Conquering Grande Mountain: A Hilarious Tale of Hiking, Human Quirks, and Heatwaves

By Boris Bokov

Chapter 1: Sleeping in a Sauna (AKA Acorn Motel)

We slept "sort of" well, if you ignore the fact our room at Acorn Motel felt more like a Finnish sauna than a place to rest. Emma, our guest, enjoyed her spacious bedroom while my wife and I played human Tetris on a smaller living room bed. Silver lining? More cuddles. Downside? Waking up in what I hope was just sweat. Those west-facing windows turned our room into a solar oven – great for baking, terrible for sleeping. 

Chapter 2: Breakfast of (Slightly Tired) Champions  

The morning routine was sacred: 

1. Wake at 7:30 AM (because anything earlier is cruel). 

2. Splash water on my face (to remember I’m human). 

3. Secure coffee and bread (carbs = life). 

4. Devour two boiled eggs (protein = survival). 

5. Assemble in the lobby by 8:50 AM. 

 

I opted for the "late" start, which everyone appreciated because no sane (except real climbers) person *actually* enjoys predawn hiking unless bears are involved. 

Chapter 3: The Great Hiker Schism

Not everyone chose Grande Mountain. Grace and Daniel went for Ambler Mountain (gotta catch ‘em all—Peak Edition). Julian and Holly picked the beach (wise). Ada, the smartest of us all, opted for *not* overexerting herself today. She has been on Grande twice already.  

Our squad? Gosia, Keith, Dragan, and… *Emma*. 

Chapter 4: The Boot Debacle of 2025

Just as we were about to leave, disaster struck. Dragan, our resident frugal genius, showed us his *broken boot sole*. His solution? Lace it up like a medieval peasant and reinforce it with duct tape. Brilliant. Except the store where he wanted to buy the tape was closed, so he didn't have any (duct tape) (thanks, Canada Day weekend). So off we went, praying his boot wouldn’t fully divorce his foot mid-hike. As always, I was prepared; I HAD an industrial duct tape that I use to prevent blisters. 

Chapter 5: The Trail Where Emma’s Loyalty Went to Die  

The Grande Mountain trail doesn’t believe in gentle introductions—it goes straight up like it’s trying to escape Earth’s gravity. Emma, our PhD in Ambiguity, immediately bolted ahead like she was being chased by wolves. 

Me, trying diplomacy: "Emma, hiking with us or doing your own thing?"  

Emma, probably: "Maybe."

She alternated between *"I’ll stay with the group"* and *"I’m going rogue"* more often than a weather forecast. At one point, she claimed she couldn’t summit with us (after she had already summited) due to a lack of water… only to miraculously *find* water 10 minutes later. Truly, a modern-day hiking miracle. 

 

Chapter 6: Summit Shenanigans  

After 2 hours and 55 minutes of uphill suffering (and Keith heroically hauling 240 lbs of determination), we reached the top. Views? Stunning. Wind? Trying to yeet us off the mountain. 

We took many photos because if it’s not on Instagram, did it even happen? Dragan and Keith camped behind a summit radio tower propane tank like it was a five-star windbreak, while Gosia and I negotiated with a squirrel who clearly thought our snacks were tribute. 

Chapter 7: The Descent (AKA Knee Apocalypse)  

Going down was… an experience. Keith moved at tectonic plate speed, 

and my knee loudly reminded me, *"Hey, remember those surgeries?"* 

Emma? Already vanished—presumably off to teach a class on *Organizational Behaviour* while demonstrating none of it. 

Chapter 8: Pool Therapy (Because We Earned It)

Post-hike, we hit the Grande Cache Recreational Centre, paying $9 for exactly 55 minutes of pool time. Worth it. The hot tub was basically a group hug for our screaming muscles. Keith arrived late (shocking) and had approximately 10 minutes to enjoy it before they kicked us out. 

Chapter 9: Dinner & Emma’s Mysterious Reappearance  

Ada, MVP of the day, booked us at Steak & Ale. Emma materialized halfway through, like a side character who realized the main plot was happening elsewhere. 

Highlights: 

- Ordered five prime ribs. The group ate three. (*Where did the other two go? The mystery endures.*) 

- Shared calamari with Ada (hiking cravings reign supreme). 

- Laughed so hard we forgot our legs were broken (temporarily). 

Epilogue: Lessons Learned  

- **Emma’s hiking style:** Quantum teammate who loves Schrödinger—both with and without us until observed. 

- **Dragan’s boot:** Held together by laces and sheer willpower. 

- **Keith’s descent speed:** Could be studied by geologists. 

- **Grande Cache:** Still perfect, still empty, still our favourite hidden gem. 

 

Next year, we return… but with possible changes. Pray for us. 

 

Moral of the Story:  

Hiking reveals two universal truths: 

1. Nature is breathtaking. 

2. *People are gloriously weird.* 

 

And that’s why we love it.  See you on the trails! 🏔️

(BB)